i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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