Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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