I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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