It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
