apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
