I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I need to stop coming to work sober
someone owes me an orgasm
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i came on her dog
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
