why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My feet surprised me
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
