im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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