I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
