youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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