I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
