my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She announced her abortion via fbk
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Is it penis luge time yet?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
