I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Vodka?
Forever.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
