Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
