Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
