When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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