I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
