I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
