Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
