You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
