We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
