I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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