Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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