I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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