So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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