Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
