you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
