I puked a lego.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
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