im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
