her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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