Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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