he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
