I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize