Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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