Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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