apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
