just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
