I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
