Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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