He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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