Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize