I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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