she told me i tasted like america
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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