I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
