piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Are my feet made of real feet?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
