Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm sobbing to NWA
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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