yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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