Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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