those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
