I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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