I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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