I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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