party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize