I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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