Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
