You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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