Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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