just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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