life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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