My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
