he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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