My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
