mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
